Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
