Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
