i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
