i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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