are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
