Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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