Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
