He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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