theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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