Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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