3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
