Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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