you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
