i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
