i think my tv is drunk
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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