I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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