wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
