I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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