I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
