I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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