did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
