I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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