so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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