Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
