just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
