I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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