booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
