i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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