I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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