i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
