3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
