There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
