Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
