FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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