a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
