I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
