i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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