i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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