Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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