Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
