I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize