my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
