Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
