You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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