You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize