Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
