Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
