I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
