I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
