So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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