If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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