Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
