Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
