Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
