Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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