Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
