She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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